Yes it was meant to be
Romance is misery
So much for memories
And now I am headed to the penitentiary
See me on TV
The next cop series
I am a danger
I guess I should have did something about my anger
But I never learn
Real things I don't concern
I pour kerosene on everything I love
And watch it burn

my heart is back where it should be
grace is amazing, just like the song says.

everlasting your light will shine when all else fades
never ending, Your glory goes beyond all things.

my heart & my soul I give You control

 I've finally fallen in love with Jesus Christ, and it's too amazing, just too amazing.

its so hard to be yourself in the world anymore
how do we even know who "ourselves" are
i know I don't know who I am
and I know I rely too heavily on other people
and i think about things i shouldn't  care about
and i keep certain people way too close
its like i'm afraid of being disconnected, afraid to let go and be venerable
i want to get away, i want to break free of fear
but it's so difficult and i'm so scared.
i just want to go through a day where i don't worry about people leaving me, where i know that i'm just .... loved i guess

Let us recount this day.  I hung out with Alexis and did errands.  It was the first time we've ever hung out by ourselves and I'm admitting it was slightly awkward, but I had fun.  We watched Moulin Rouge. I'll always love that movie.  Last summer Kymmie and I watched it almost every day and it was nice watching it today.  It's so sad but I love it.  After that I got kymmie and Lauren Toner came over.  I hadn't hung out with Lauren in about a year but it was really good and I'm looking forward to hanging out with her more.  We used to be really close friends and I think we can get that back. She seems different and I like it.  Tomorrow I'm hanging out with Aarika Price :] I'm excited! We haven't hung out in a few months.  Kymmie Lauren and I made a BEAUTIFUL chocolate cake and watched one of the most boring movies I've EVER sat through.  I can't even remember what it's called and I'm not even going to try.  It's way too painful. Anyway, yesterday I had a convorsation with someone I don't even know online about a million different topics.  It was the first intelligent convorsation of my year and it encourages me that I do actually have intelligent thoughts once in a while.  Normally there's just no one who wants to go deep enough to discuss them with me.  If there is someone I always hold back because I know them, and I don't know why that is.  You see I've been thinking that it doesn't matter who you want to be because people only see who you are.  If you're having trouble with trying to show who you want to be, if you want to put your best foot forward into the world then you have to take a step back and leap.  Honestly I've always listened to that analogy and I don't think I ever really grasped it.  They say jump off the cliff and hope to God you grow wings.  Well, If you don't instantly grow wings (you won't) then it takes a few times to fall off that cliff to learn how to grow wings.  THAT'S the sucky part because being a teenager is the part where you're throwing yourself off the cliff.  I can feel myself trying to really show who I am more though.  I really see how terribly I've fallen into this fasad(sp?) of myself.  People shape how I think, how I feel, how I act, they shape everything and it shouldn't be because what's the point in that.  This life is mine and I only want to live it like me.  This is such a hard thing to act out though because it's not like you don't care what other people think, what your friends think, what anyone thinks.  I don't care what you say, a person always cares what at least one person thinks because the world is about relationships with people.  Honestly sometimes I wish that wasn't true, sometimes I really really wish I could stop caring, but that's not who I am.  And the more I realize that the way I act and some of the things I say aren't who I am the more I see flaws.  The more I want to change my outside actions to be what I mean.  The thing is it's hard to change.  I mean, I used to feel empty.  I used to feel completly worthless, and sometimes I still do but God changes that. 






from across the room
he filled her up
needing, wanting, pleading
eyes, reading
he knew he had power
she knew he'd deny it
she crawls at his feet
he steps on her hands
she grasps to hold on,
no matter how much
she is needing, wanting pleading.
he is denying, playing, ruining
her mind consumed
impossibilities possible
he's killed her soul
and he's blamed it on her
young and naive, shes fallen
just like man, shes fallen

Today was a good day. It was one of those days that just leave me feeling content.  Like all of the loose ends are tied up and the world is in order.  I love these kinds of days.  Kymmie and I went to the mall and I spent ALL of my money. ALL of it.  At first I felt guilty, but then I looked at the stuff I bought and I'm completly fine :] I honestly remember why she's my best friend and I know how hard it was without her and I'm just so thankful to God to send me a sister replacement. <3  If you haven't heard, Summers mom died last week.  Last friday I went to her viewing, the funeral was on Saturday but I went to Spring Hill last weekend so I couldn't go. If you pray, please pray for summer and her family.  I hung out with summer on Wednesday.  It's hard to know what to say, so I just be there the only way I can and she really appreciates it.  I love that girl to death.  Her little brother Lake and I are best friends now too.  My heart hurts thinking about them loosing their mother.  Lake is three years old, three years old.  Summer is sixteen, just sixteen.  It makes things go back into perspective. Live, Love, don't live with regret, live for God, keep your promises, all that good stuff.  OH. Spring Hill was amazing, it was a little spiritual pick up for me. I didn't care for the speaker as much but the band was amazing.  Worshiping in a room of all those people just makes things so real, it's almost like I can concentrate better that way, but that's just an illusion I think.  BROOMBALL was the most intense EVER.  It was the most fun I've had in FOREVER.  I really got to be better friends with Mackenzie.  I love that girl to death, she has such strong faith and it's so easy for her to talk about.  Her sunny attitude just always makes me happy and she's so supportive.  I can see God in her and that's amazing. After hanging out with kymmie i went to go see Mad Money with Sampy and Brittany Turner.  I didn't LOVE it, it wasn't worth 9 dollars but it wasn't a drag.  The other two loved it.  Weirdos ;]  On another subject completly, things are going okay.  I'm still trying to figure myself out.  I feel myself being a little too honest at times and I'm trying to fix that.  Not neccessarily completly changing but I feel like I might emberass people sometimes. Oh yeah, and there's this boy. I won't say his name so as not to emberass him because he's pretty shy, but I like him a lot.  I haven't liked someone a lot, probably in about 3 years.  And I'm pretty sure he likes me back.  I haven't seen him in almost three weeks though because we both have been gone at opposite weekends.  & I just found out that he probably is interested.  I really hope this works out though.  I love the fact that he's a Christian and I know we have a connection and it's just exciting :] I'm TRYING not to get my hopes up too much, but it's pretty hard not to.  ANYWAY.  I hope whoever reads this comments, cuz those are fun.  God bless <3

have you ever just taken a step back and really thought about where you were, why you were there and what are you really going to do with your life. whos going to matter to you, who are you going to be & how are you going to show your best to the world?  how am i going to show my best to the world?  i have a battle with this inside myself almost every day.

I've been facing my mistakes and I owned up to them but I'm still afraid of never getting real forgiveness from someone, of whom I think I would be lost without.  I don't think we ever realize how relying on someone can leave you so venreble, or maybe it's just me whos never really realized it. 

I know the person I see myself as, I know who I want to be but I'm just having trouble owning up to myself.
I know I want to be good, do things for the right reasons, live life fun, love people, care for people but sometimes I'm just so afraid of getting hurt. or being cool. so i hold back.  i'm fighting not to hold back.

anyways.
god is love.

<3

let me just say.

I love Tori Beeler.
She is always there when I need her, she's a fabulous listener and she can always give me the point of view I need to try to see. Sometimes I don't give you enough credit. I"m sorry. I LOVE YOU.